What do you think of this short poem I wrote?

I agree with the last post, its like you're trying to hard to be literary. It should be something...truthful, heartfelt from what I am gathering from the tone. But all the metaphors make it more empty than deep. It needs sustanance, something to thicken up the meaning behind the lost words....Poetry shouldn't just be about rhyming words, those words should flow into and carry each other over into your next verse. Your style is great, but like I said, it's...lacking.